What were you thinking?
by kateydidnt
Summary: Lex Luthor is holding the Daily Planet hostage and threatens to kill if Superman shows. So Clark Kent to the rescue? Actually this is just a one shot of me griping at Lex's stupidity.


_Superman Returns_ fanfic with a smattering of _Smallville_. One shot—mostly just me using Clark to complain about Lex's idiocy.

"Don't you _ever_ get tired of hearing yourself talk?"

Absolute silence from all corners of the room greeted Clark's uncharacteristic outburst. His co-workers stared at him in horror. Lex was completely flummoxed, and his henchmen looked like they needed their cue from Lex on how to react.

"I mean," Clark continued in the stillness, "we've been here for four hours and you've gotten _nothing_ accomplished except for regaling us with your life story. Frankly, I'm bored and I'm sick of hearing your voice."

"What are you _doing_?" Richard's voice hissed from behind him.

Lex's puzzled look was quickly being replaced by thundering anger. He strode across the room and grabbed Clark by the lapels, hauling him up.

"Nobody talks to me like that imbecile!" Lex's voice was low and menacing.

Clark rolled his eyes, but didn't say anything.

Lex Luthor stared up at the completely unfazed reporter before him. This guy really should _not_ be smirking like that.

Right then.

Only one thing to do.

"Kill him." Lex ordered letting go of the reporter's collar and pushing him in the direction of the henchmen.

There was a collective gasp from the Daily Planet workers and Perry White had just opened his mouth when Clark spoke up again.

"Why?"

"What?" Lex demanded.

"Why should they kill me? I mean it's not like they get any gain from being in with you on this." Clark turned his back on Lex and spoke directly to the guys with the guns, "Sure he promised you money, I'm guessing, and Lex is usually good for it when he says he'll pay you, I grant that, but—_really_—have you _looked_ at the mortality rate of those working for Lex Luthor? Ever wonder what happened to the guys before you, eh? Lets see, if your lucky you might end up in prison. If you're unlucky you'll end up dead. Lex wouldn't be the one to kill you himself, and it probably _would_ be an accident, but he isn't above sacrificing your life for his own safety."

The henchmen were looking at each other nervously. None of them had followed Lex's orders yet.

"I'm not sure how you find so many idiots to work for you Lex," Clark spoke in an offhanded manner turning back to look at Lex, exposing his back to the guns, "but you really pick 'em. I mean come on! You'd think that given your track record against Superman people wouldn't be lining up to be your henchmen. What is it now, Superman 3: Lex 0? Don't they understand that your diabolical criminal plans to hurt Superman keep _not working?_"

Lex was staring at the man now. This guy was a complete lunatic. That was the only explanation. Nobody in their right minds would ever say these kinds of things to him.

"And while we're on the subject of your planning skills, let me just say this—what is it with you and _land_? Did you watch _Gone with the Wind_ too many times as a kid? If you were that concerned about land you should have been a real estate broker, not a criminal mastermind. Really, you have all of Superman's crystals that contain the compiled knowledge of twenty-eight galaxies and you use them to grow _land?_ Are you galactically _stupid?_ Do you know what it would be worth to any astronomy research station to have even the most outdated star charts from those crystals? Do you have any idea what scientists would do to get a hold of the faster-than-light travel calculations and specifications that Kryptonians had? Seriously, what were you thinking?"

Lex opened his mouth and closed it again. He stared at Clark and then said, "Sit back down and shut up. I have a plan here and some nobody reporter is _not _going to stop me."

Clark didn't sit back down, instead he leaned casually against a desk and crossed his arms, "'Some nobody reporter' eh? Well this 'nobody' knows enough about you to keep this paper in stories for weeks."

Lex snorted in disbelief.

"Like your uncommon interest when you were in your twenties in some Native American caves in a little place called Smallville, Kansas."

Lex looked more carefully at the man. "You've done your research," he said coolly.

"Nope not really, just raided the attics of memory. Oh, I remember an interesting one, you helping the FBI to gather evidence to convict your father. Then there was the whole debacle with the electro-shock therapy at Bellreeve after Helen tried to kill you on your honeymoon."

Once again silence reigned. Not surprisingly, a number of the Daily Planet corps were waiting on bated breath for more of this scoop.

"Who _are_ you?" Lex demanded.

"One of the few people who remembers a different Lex Luthor—one who swore he would never become like his father. Sometimes, I really wonder Lex,…why didn't your mother have the same mercy on you that she did on Julian?"

Lex blinked.

And blinked again.

"Clark…?" he murmured staring hard at the man in front of him. Then he stiffened. He turned to his henchmen and barked, "We're leaving. Now!"

None of hostages moved or so much as breathed as Lex and his men ascended to the roof and took off in their helicopter.

Then sheer pandemonium broke out.


End file.
